philo.flora

While apathy acts like an ally, my enemy and I are one in the same.

Whom have I in Heaven but you, God?

I am a Radical who is not defined by reason.

days snuggle sleep cozy

pumpkins. remembering. hugs. you. comfy couch. warm drinks. grey clouds. car drive. music. long road. blankets. faces. lipstick. words. journal. school. autumn. meeting kitties. taking pictures. taking walks. inspiration. banana bread. spices. clean. crisp air. leaves.

Maturity comes when you become aware that you are not walking in LOVE.

I want to be amazing for Jesus.

For some reason, I want to be that which He already sees me as. And, I know this. I sometimes struggle with comparing myself to other Christians and feeling spiritually immature. Even as I write this, I feel immature, because I am not relishing in the fact that I have been set free from these false feelings by the One and Only. But, I guess I will just let myself write; honestly. Sometimes I don’t feel capable of getting to a certain level of closeness with God, or I simply feel that I am too lazy to live the life that I was called for.  I sometimes struggle with feeling as if I have to accomplish something huge. I can be really hard on myself. I feel as though I have to make a huge impact on the world for my life to matter. I seek approval in the wrong areas, and I look for worth in my productivity and creativity. If others see how much I do for Jesus, for others; if I know how to pray this way, or read my bible this way… I struggle with perfecting every aspect of my life. I struggle with perfecting relationships. I struggle with wanting the knowledge of HOW I can somehow be as “good” or “mature” as this person or that Christian. I struggle with guilt. I struggle with wanting to be as “set free” and charismatic. I struggle with wanting to be as pure and innocent. I struggle with blaming others for my lack of motivation. I struggle with feeling as though I am all talk. I know the truths that go along with all of this. I don’t HAVE to do ANYTHING for Jesus. He doesn’t want me to do anything for Him, He just wants ME. And I can’t compare myself to anybody else, because then I would not be me. And who I AM is the person that Jesus wants. And I am called to LOVE. My struggles to do not keep me from knowing or embracing these truths, nor do they stop me from following the path of love, but I must admit I have my days of insecurity and fear.  I would just like to ask for your prayers, if you are reading. 

The melody of You plays behind every circumstance, every environment, every sound.

Listening to worship, I started to peel back the layers of the music. I could hear the vocals, the lead guitar, the beat of the drums. Then, I listened more carefully for the back up vocals, the chimes. Even more faint, the faithful and constant flow of the bass. It occurred to me in that moment that in every situation, God’s melody can be found, loyally and consistently. When temptation is screaming at you, telling you what you should feel or how you should act. When your feelings of lust or greed or selfishness take up every thought in your mind.  When all you can hear is yourself, your fear, lies. God’s song is playing for you. It is steadfast. It does not stop. In these moments when you can’t hear anything good, He is still directing the orchestra, He is still the foundation behind the atmosphere. Just listen. Be quiet and still before Him. Find that peace behind the chaos. It is more powerful than the noise. His Silence is louder than the sounds of the world.

A Reminder :

Be patient, and do not take the present for granted. It will soon become a memory, a time that you will remember fondly. Do not take your presence for granted.